How Couples Communicate Poorly and How to Reconnect
Many couples seek relationship counselling because they feel they are no longer able to communicate in a calm, understanding or supportive way. When communication breaks down, it is easy for resentment to grow and for both partners to feel unheard or misunderstood.
The reassuring news is that communication difficulties are extremely common, and they often come from misunderstanding each other’s emotional needs rather than from a lack of love.
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it
Most communication problems are not caused by the words themselves but by the tone, pace and emotional energy behind them. When couples feel stressed, hurt or disconnected, even simple conversations can suddenly feel sharp or defensive.
Learning to slow down, choose a gentler tone and really listen can make conversations feel safer for both partners.
Understanding what is really being communicated
When a partner is upset, they do not always say exactly what they mean. Sometimes a frustrated comment is actually a request for reassurance, closeness or comfort. Sometimes silence is a sign of overwhelm rather than disinterest.
Good communication is partly about hearing the words, but it is also about noticing what might be happening underneath them. This takes practice, but it can transform the way couples relate to each other.
Different communication styles can cause misunderstandings
In many relationships, one partner prefers to talk things through emotionally, while the other prefers to focus on facts, solutions or what can be “fixed”. Neither style is wrong — but without understanding this difference, both partners can feel frustrated.
One person may think, “Why are we going round in circles?” while the other thinks, “Why aren’t you hearing how I feel?”
Couples counselling helps partners recognise these differences so they can support each other rather than feeling at odds.
A helpful video that explains this dynamic well
The short video below, called “It’s Not About the Nail”, is a humorous illustration of how easily couples can misunderstand each other’s needs. Although playful, it captures a very real pattern we see in counselling sessions.
How couples can start to reconnect
Here are a few gentle steps that help partners rebuild communication:
- Pause before responding — taking a breath helps you reply rather than react.
- Use a softer tone — this makes it safer for your partner to stay open.
- Share feelings, not accusations — “I feel…” instead of “You always…”.
- Listen to understand, not to defend — try to hear the meaning beneath the words.
- Be curious rather than critical — ask questions instead of assuming intention.
Small changes in communication often create big changes in connection.
Professional relationship support
If communication has become difficult between you, working with a trained couples counsellor can help you both understand what is happening and learn new ways to reconnect.
At Relationship Counselling Surrey, our therapists specialise in couples work and offer a calm, supportive space where both partners can feel heard and un
